Helping yourself

It's been awhile. Since my last post, I began and completed volunteer training at a local women and children's shelter. It was a fulfilling and awesome experience. I didn't learn too much, but that's because I already knew so much about this. It was still a thorough instruction, and I loved hearing from some survivors.

On the very last day of training - the very last hour, even - I had a panic attack. Of course there had to be some group activities. I was doing really well. I kept pep-talking myself to not only stay awake (I'd gotten NO sleep because I was afraid of missing this 8am to 4pm training), but to keep calm.

It didn't work.

I not only had to hold hands with people, they started wrenching and jerking me around for some stupid activity. I'm still not sure what the point was, but I'd like to have known beforehand what in the world was going on. I asked so many times, but no one would answer. No one listened to me the whole time.

In an earlier activity, there were two circles on the ground, with only a small space between them. We were all stuffed into one circle. Ugh. Some people were designated to be stiffs and not move at all. The objective was to get all of us, including the stiffs, to the other circle without anyone stepping outside the circles and the small space between.

Well, as everyone begins to bum-rush it, I watched to make sure no one was about to step outside the circle. You know, the main objective. The only fixed constant in the operation. Sure enough, I noticed a stiff being pushed out of her circle. She couldn't move or speak, so I had to speak for her. I started saying: "Guys, stop pushing Kelly!" "She's gonna fall out!" "We're gonna have to start over if you knock her out of the circle!" "GUYS!"

I may as well have been a stiff myself, because I was thoroughly ignored. I watched as she was pushed out of the circle, and we had to start over. It was extremely frustrating. Were they not listening because I was a girl? I'm sure I was loud enough. I was very clear about the impending doom.

Anyway, my point is that, even though I was loud enough and clear enough, they wouldn't listen. So, as I was getting jerked around, as anxious and uncomfortable as I already was, I kept asking in every possible way "What is going on?" - only to be ignored. Finally, I'd had enough and let go.

I know I shouldn't have felt as ashamed, embarrassed, or like a failure as I did, but I did. I found a seat in the sidelines quickly enough, but I wouldn't stay long. I instantly began beating up on myself as I sat there. Why me? I'm the only one with a problem here! Why couldn't I just hold on a little longer? I'm so tired... just chill. Then I heard the lady in charge saying to my group "Oh, you guys are missing someone." A girl from the group paused the shoving match to reply "She's just over there." as she gestured to me.

I know the lady in charge totally didn't care. I know no one else cared, but I did. The failure was too much. I was disappointed in myself and I could feel the tears welling up. I went to the bathroom, still trying to calm myself, but the anxiety was critical at this point. There was no going back. The inevitable urge to get the Hell out of dodge overcame me, and I quickly and quietly left the bathroom and went to gather my things before I left.

The shelter director must have seen or known, because she caught me as I was leaving. By this time, tears were streaming down my face. I was so embarrassed, so frustrated, and so pissed off at myself for not even completing something I really wanted. I really, really wanted this.

"What's wrong, Vanessa?' The director said. "What happened?"

I don't even know if she could understand my blubbering at that point. I managed to convey that I was anxious, that I had to leave, and that I was so so so sorry.

"It's okay. It's okay. I'll let you out. " There is a gate at the front of the shelter. A good idea, I think.

"Will I still be able to volunteer?" I asked, so desperate to salvage some dignity.

"Of course. We'll keep in touch, okay?"

I hung my head in shame, bawling, as I hurried out the front gate. A bright orange $30 ticket for expired registration was waiting for me with open arms.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

To my surprise, the shelter director did get back to me in early April. Unfortunately, I had to decline. I was a little scared still, but I mostly couldn't because I had very visible cuts all over my left arm. I didn't want to bring my negativity to the survivors, especially the kids.

She kept the offer open. She cheered me right up by saying I'd make a great volunteer because of my honesty and passion, and I so appreciated it. It was hard to do. I cried. I'm crying now, because I am still frustrated and sad, but sometimes you have to help yourself first.

Maybe if I'd tried to focus more on myself in November, this wouldn't have happened.

So help yourself first. You can't help anyone if you're a hot mess.

"Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great." 
- D&C 64:33

Tiny baby steps

Those baby steps are few and far between. I just think it's because I've been trying to work on me lately. It's a service for everyone around me! :)

I didn't make it to the ebola and social issues  presentation, unfortunately. I was extremely excited about it, but my sleeping patterns have been in non-stop flux.

It just seems like my problems keep piling up. Or, after I conquer one challange, a bigger one takes it's place. While this is the case (as prophesied), I know there are people going through more. I don't know how they go on, but they do. They're inspiring.

Anyway, people want to help when they know you're going through things. I wanted to make a point about that and it's certainly relevant. As someone who is constantly offered help in the form of the question: "Is there anything I can do for you?" I always feel incredibly weird. I want to scream "YES! PLEASE!" but I'm stopped because I don't know how they could possibly do so. My physical health can't really be helped, and my (lack of) mental health results from a variety of deep-seated issues, trauma, and insane thought processes over which I have no control.

I feel like that could be why most people "don't want help" - as a relative loves to say. I really don't think it's that no one wants help. Maybe they just don't understand how what you're offering to do can help. Maybe they're too embarrassed to accept it - especially in the case of charity. Maybe what you're offering really can't help. Maybe they don't want to be your charity case or a trophy for your piety display. Maybe they've tried taking help before and it just didn't work out. It's too simple to say that people don't want help.

I just hope we can all keep this in mind as we go about helping. Especially this season. Don't be upset if somsone declines your offer. Don't get disheartened by rejection. Rather, try to be understanding. If you need to help that exact person, do so privately and non-personally. Keep the giving train going and move right along. It's wonderfully contagious.

Animal Rescue Site

This is such a minuscule act of service that I completely forgot to mention it in my last post. It stemmed from a need I had to meet. This fall hasn't been too cold so far, but it's getting there, so I decided to get a hoodie for the cold season. 

Hence, the Animal Rescue Site. The site sells everything from socks to calendars and features items made in many different countries. The best part is that much of the merchandise features animals or paws (it's so cute!). No matter what items you buy, they take a portion of the money and donate bowls of food to shelter animals. 

It wasn't a hard choice to shop here then, for my hoodie (and a cat naps calendar! I couldn't resist). I'm happy to say that my purchase resulted in 48 bowls of food! It's nothing in the grand scheme of things, there are so many animals in shelters, but it's the least I can do right now. 

Onward! And please visit the Animal Rescue Site, where you can help animals for free. You can also visit it's father site to fight hunger, help the rainforest, and support awareness for various causes. 

Baby Steps

Unfortunately, I haven't made much progress toward my goal so far. I've been getting some help for myself lately, but I look forward to making service a priority. So far, I've found the school service learning site and they are always doing things! In fact, they have a 5-10 minute service project thing going on tomorrow where you can just come in from 10am to 4pm and do a short project. They have other service projects from 11am to 12pm, three volunteer programs for tutoring students who can't do it at home, and an opportunity to join the Utah county crisis line.

That's just what's listed for tomorrow.

Also, I've decided that it would be incredibly beneficial to learn about the actual problems going on locally and globally. What better way to do that than the countless seminars and presentations going on at the university? It's just a golden opportunity and I'm almost sad that I've been taking it for granted!

Anyway, I'm planning to attend the Isis, Ebola, and the bodies that fell from the sky: a view of global crises from the united nations seminar on October 29th and I hope to do some service tomorrow!

Baby steps!

Don't Worry

"It isn’t as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don’t worry. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us. If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers."

--President Hinckley

I'm still blessed even when I'm the least worthy of it. You are never alone. Don't forget who you are to Him.